Ramblings of a mad woman, and I don't mean pissed

Okay, maybe a little pissed.  I am on a posting hiatus on facebook, mostly because I'm having a hard time figuring out how we move past where we're at and I feel like I'm just too deep in my own head to not take things so personally when people respond to what I post.

I have a hard time understanding how those in power, Christians, the rich, the straight feel so picked on these days, when in recent US history have the seats of power not been held by straight, white, rich, christian men? And, when did Christianity become about vilifying poor people?  If,  a nation, a people, whatever, are willing to hold so tightly to their interpretation of THE CONSTITUTION, why isn't there the same willingness to really follow the teaching of the Christ so many of these same people believe in?  When did religion become more of a reflection of  politics than anything else?

I understand that belief systems are deeply held and very personal so forgive me for sharing mine, here, assuming anyone will read this- and apologies to those of you who may be hurt or offended by this.

When I left the LDS church it was largely because I had a crisis of faith, I couldn't hold to the faith that if I was a good girl here in this earthly realm that I would be rewarded with children and an eternal partner on the other side, IF I was good, and faithful enough here.  I wasn't willing to wait and made a very deliberate decision to live my life another way.  I also left because I could not reconcile my personal political beliefs with the tenets in my faith in regard to women, race and sexual orientation.  My faith wasn't strong enough to carry me through the doubts, the anger and the disappointment I felt in an organization that I spent 18 months proselytizing for.  Over the years what I've learned is that I have to live my life as close to the truths I hold as possible.  I know that what I believe is just that, what I believe.  The personal irony for me is that what I do and the way I choose to live my life is deeply based in faith.  I can't really even explain exactly what I mean by that.  But what I believe to my core is that people have a right to basic needs, food, shelter, health care, and that there will always be people who will exploit opportunities.  What I don't understand is why some people think it's okay for the well heeled and those who have had every opportunity to exploit people and systems to get ahead but resent every penny used to help people have even a pittance of an existence, deserving or "otherwise".

I'm tired of the notion that if you are poor it is somehow your own fault and that if you are rich you got there through hard work, damn the destruction in your wake.

I am having another crisis of faith, faith in the goodness of my neighbors, faith in my belief that we can find common ground and figure out how to solve problems.

Don't try and make sense of it, just refer to the title of this post.

Shared Sacrifice

I've been thinking a lot about last week's markup of the farm bill in the House Agriculture Committee.  It was a painful experience for myself and the many brilliant anti-hunger advocates around the country. I ranted and raved and felt extraordinarily frustrated at the shortsightedness of committee members and the excuses that so many of them spouted off about how a $16 billion dollar cut really isn't a cut, but closing an administrative loophole. Well, tell that to the millions of people who will lose benefits, the almost 300,000 kids who will lose access to free school lunch.


Some, maybe even some reading this, say that feeding people creates dependency. In fact at least one of friends think that comparing people on food stamps to forest animals is funny.  I find this notion, not only absurd, but thoughtless and stupid, yes stupid.  But mostly heartless, who thinks it's a good idea to let kids go hungry because you don't like that a program is actually working the way it is supposed to?  I'll tell you who, House members of the Agriculture Committee and they proved it by passing a farm bill that will increase hunger and food hardship in our country. And people who would rather believe the stereo-type of people needing to ask for help than ask why people need the help in the first place.


How dare they, how dare they want to make sure their kids are fed, how dare those elderly and disabled people think they have a right to food everyday. How dare the working poor need help buying food, despite the fact that they are working.


If these cuts pass, the safety net we've created will be far more fragile and the impacted communities will feel it.  They will feel it in emergency rooms, at schools, at senior centers and food pantries.


I heard ridiculous words come out of the mouths of men and women, who have not, in recent history skipped a meal for any reason.  It is this that I find most galling-that people who do not have to water down their milk to make it last another day are taking the food off the table of old people and kids.  
Congrats guys, and I have to ask- would you let your children, your grandchildren, your mom go hungry in the name of shared sacrifice?

Square One

Within reason, I can buy as much food or any kind of food I want. Do I? No, but I think I do tend to hoard pasta and rice.

Mike and I did a presentation today and one of the questions was, "Why do you do the work you do?" It's a good questions for me to think about, it lets me articulate the values I learned growing up and the example my parents were to me and why I think it's wrong for anyone to be hungry. I've never put Jacob to bed hungry and I've never had to tell him no to a second glass of milk. The issue of hunger for me personally is really just theoretical. But today, really- I got this call today about 4:30 p.m. after a day of meetings.

I answered the phone and wasn't sure if anyone was there, there was a delay to my greeting, then I heard a little voice.

I'm not sure how old she was, but she wasn't older than 11 or 12. "Hi, can you tell me how we can get some food?" When young kids call it's usually because the parents don't speak English. I asked her a couple of routine questions and then gave her the information about some pantries. They don't have a car, and have to depend on a neighbor for rides. She was nervous and had me repeat he information a couple of times. I asked her about food stamps, they don't have papers and no one in the family was born in the U.S. Okay, there's always school lunch, but she's not in school, not since they moved to Utah, but she's going soon.

So what's next, "Have you eaten today?", I ask. A short pause later she responds, " A roll earlier, but not much." Shit, she needs food tonight and it's almost 5:00-soup kitchens. I give her the information about the soup kitchen, this feels so icky! Then I remind her of the times she and her family can go get food tomorrow. She asks if it is free, I tell her yes and if they can get a ride they can eat tonight. I asked for her address and asked if it was okay to send her some information. She hesitated, I told her I didn't care if she had papers but that I just wanted to send her information about some other resources. She gave me the information and I asked her if she felt okay about telling me her name. Her name is Deni.

Tonight the US. Senate is poised to vote on two budget measures, both these budgets cut deeply into low-income programs and both offer tax cuts to very wealthy Americans. I bet, I just bet that most wealthy people would take a smaller tax cut so that programs like The Emergency Food Assistance Program (TFAP), which gives food to emergency food pantries, wouldn't be facing as much as a 20% cut in funding. So, that in turn Deni can make her way to a line, where she will have have to tell someone she is hungry and that she needs help.

our lives are made in these small hours

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

Tonight I had some visitors, two little people that I've known before they were born. As I raced home thinking about what I could fix for dinner that wouldn't distract me to the point that I would falter and eat it up in a frenzy, I thought about the moms making their way home who don't have a choice. For them skipping a meal means they can feed their kids - When I look in my cupboard and silently complain that I can't decide what to cook it's easy to forget that there are people, parents, who don't have enough. Are you are as doubtful as I am? It is in fact why child hunger is lower than it might be because parents do what they can to shield their kids from hunger.

Hunger and food insecurity are problems in a small population, but should that make us feel better about it? More than 94% of households have enough food- but it's that 6% that keeps me up at night. What do our policy makers need to know to push them beyond politics?

BLEH

Last week was a total bust in my effort to fast during this federal budget process. I can't even say why- it just wasn't convenient doesn't really sound very committed to the experience. In fact the one day I did fast I just kept thinking about why I am doing this, and is it only helpful if I publicly share my experience? And who really wants to read my calorie starved missives about hunger? BLEH

Will you be the Saviour of the broken, The beaten and the damned?

On my way home from work today I switched the radio channel because I just couldn't bear to listen to NPR. that gives you a benchmark of my emotional well being after my first fast day. I should have keep my dial tuned to KCPW. These were t he lyrics I heard as I waited for the turn signal to turn green.

"When I was a young boy,

My father took me into the city

To see a marching band.

He said,

"Son when you grow up, will you be the saviour of the broken,

The beaten and the damned?"

He said

"Will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non believers, the plans that they

have made?"

I can't even think straight enough to even articulate what I think or thought about listening to this stupid song. And I feel a little foolish think a 24 hour fast means anything, and how so many moms deal with this every day. If I am going to do this I need to be more thoughtful and I clearly need to think about some coping skills on fast days. It is now 6:00 p.m. and I plan on completing my fast in the morning at breakfast.

It isn't like I thought I would have some breakthrough experience or that I would have some unique insight to share. What I can tell you is I feel crabby as hell, I feel on the verge of tears and everything is annoying the hell out of me. I want to cheat and go find something to eat in the kitchen. The apples on my table never looked so tasty.

Hunger Fast

I am very confused, disappointed, and heart broken over how the budget process is playing out. This is the work I signed on to do so I guess I should be prepared for this, right?

Growing up, I know there were times when it was rough, I never felt like we were poor and I never remember being hungry.

I think it is why I do what I do, my parents never turned anyone away, there was always room at the table for someone else. And when I became a single mom, I lived with my parents for two years until I was back on my feet and found a job where I earned enough to support myself and Jacob.

Because I have SO much, and without the support of the community, my family (still) I don't know how my life would be different today. But because i have been so well cared for I choose to do work that tries to narrow the gap between the haves and the have nots. I get to do this work because of those who have the means to support the work I get to do. I do not hate the rich, but I do hate that in our country there are so clearly winners and losers.

I am going to join hungerfast.org and fast every Tuesday and Thursday in protest to budget cuts that would disproportionately hurt low-income families, especially children the elderly and poor.
I want to use these fast days as a way to reflect on the work i do and be more thoughtful and committed to social justice and the America I believe in, an America that believes children shouldn't go to bed hungry and an America that honors our commitment to the elderly and disabled.

Maybe someone will join me here and find inspiration in my exercise. don't Mourn- ORGANIZE