Hellraising for the Long Haul

Utahns Against Hunger: To Increase Access to Food Through Advocacy and Education.  Does that sound boring? I promise you it isn’t and I get to go to work every day to make sure that everyone has access to food.  I get to try and level the playing field so kids, the elderly and disabled so they can eat.  Plus, I tell people I get paid to complain..which suits me.

So I asked Deanna how much time she wanted me to take, and she said no longer than 15.  I’m more used to giving public testimony where I have 3 minutes if I’m lucky- so I hope you will forgive me if this is less than 10.

 I get asked a lot about why I do this work, and what keeps me motivated.  It basically comes down to two things for me: 

• Family – I had parents who always and literally made room at the table for everyone, we always had extra people at our house and food was central to every family event.
• The second was my experience in Chile, I spent time in a lot of very poor communities and experienced the kind of generosity that still moves me too tears.  The families we worked with gave us the best they had and would often go with themselves to make sure we had something to eat.  It humbled me and made me see the world in an entirely different way.  I also saw great wealth and the disparity bothered me a lot, it made me mad. I saw families who worked until they were bone weary and still could not provide for their families.

And I knew I really wanted to do something to change the world, I came home went to the U and started volunteering at Utahns Against Hunger and I saw the same thing happening here and 26 years later doing work that has been being built on for almost 40 years. 

I’ve been thinking a lot and talking to friends about social justice over the last few weeks, especially as I have paid attention to what is going on in Baltimore, in the aftermath of the death of Freddie Gray and we have watched an American City, literally go up in flames.  

The Supreme Court heard the case for marriage equality this week, will our LGBT family, friends and neighbors have access to the same rights as all Americans?  

Last night I was talking to my friend Margaret about all of the things going on in the world and how tumultuous it feels, and how it feels like we are losing ground on women’s rights, civil rights, voting rights and so many other issues.  Our conclusion was this; that while change does take a long time and that change challenges people’s beliefs and their sense of security and challenges who they are, we WILL do the right thing as a country- and to quote my favorite social agitator Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.”

So in the face of these challenges, how do we commit to any issue and stay in it for the long haul? 

•   First I think we have to know and acknowledge that change can take a long time: Women have had the right to vote for less than 100 years, interracial couples have only legally been able to marry for less than 50 years, and the voting rights act was passed just 50 years ago.  

• Second, and maybe the hardest to grow into and understand is that it’s not about you, it is about changing a system of injustice. I think it is easy to feel frustrated, to feel like what you’re doing isn’t changing things all that much. Sometimes, it seems for every step forward there is some kind of push back – but you know what? That’s okay, the progress we make, the changes we fight for shouldn’t be easy.  We don’t stay committed to something that is easy, passion for a cause comes from understanding an issue, taking the time to know what it means to be stopped and frisked by the cops because you are a young black man, to understand climate change and how it impacts our environment, to understand who is going to bed hungry at night because they can’t afford groceries, and that the road to peace, requires peace.

You, as young people, you who have decades before you to make a difference, have to be all in- to be willing to find that issue, that cause that you will stand up for. You are what and why the fight for social justice continues, I look at this list of organizations and causes that you have all committed time and energy toward and it makes me hopeful, hopeful that we have a generation of kids who are committed to making the world a better place. Who can see beyond themselves and work for better, healthier and more equitable communities.

The work for social justice isn’t about each of us individually, it is about us collectively, as a community coming together to make sure that we hold our policy makers, elected officials and each other accountable. We must share the belief that each one of us can make a difference, and that while the road to social justice may be long and it may be rocky, it is worth it, the work is important and we must keep doing it.  In order to affect change, we all have to be committed Sleeves up, heart out, all in.

Finding Something to Suit You Better- thoughts about Kate Kelly

In a New York Times article published Wednesday June 10, 2014 Ordain Women founder Kate Kelly said in response to a letter from her former Stake President that, "What you're asking me to do is live inauthentically, and that's not something I'm willing to do."  That is exactly why I felt like I had to leave the Mormon church.

Responses to Ms. Kelly's activism many are saying, "No one is making her stay.", "If she doesn't like it she can leave." "Maybe she should find a religion that suits her better." And that was what I feared, rejection, unacceptance "you are not like us, you are not welcome."  How short-sighted and narrow minded a view that is, in my opinion.

Making the choice to leave the Mormon church is a big deal for a lot of people, and to suggest that those who disagree should just take their toys and go home or to create a new home is a big part of the problem for those of us who aren't comfortable with roles "The Church" have assigned us to.  Would you have suggested to those seeking the Priesthood for all worthy members have responded the same way?  "If you don't like it leave."

It is a complicated matter, leaving the faith you have grown up with, that is embedded in your DNA, that informs your view of the world and how you make decisions on a daily basis.  Loving the gospel, knowing you are a Child of God and developing a relationship with Christ are deeply personal experiences and when that is tied to your membership "just leaving" isn't the first option you consider.

And sometimes a person's view of the world and life experience can run head on with the obedience that is asked of every LDS church member.  Sometimes finding our place in the church requires us to question, and that questioning can be and is problematic when strict obedience is required.

I struggled to transition from my mission and back to the U.S. culture.  I tried and tried to find my place, I prayed, I repented, I read the scriptures, I prayed some more, I humbled myself and tried to understand why I wasn't receiving answers to my prayers.  I talked to my Bishop to seek guidance and he threatened to take away my temple recommend.  I was going to leave, the LDS church wasn't the place for me - there was no room for someone who lacked faith the way I did.  I prayerfully sought guidance - "No, you need to stay and be an example inside the church."  It was the answer I received and so I decided to stay.  But things didn't get better for me.  How does someone who is pro-choice fit into the church? Who is an ally to the LGBT community? Who was uncomfortable with the thin explanation of why African Americans were denied full membership and blessings in the church for so long?  Who is single and not particularly interested in being put on a pedestal?

It was breaking my heart, I tried to increase my faith, I fasted, wrote in my journal and scoured my soul for some sin I had forgotten to repent for.  Was that the reason I was still single?  I just wasn't humble and lacked faith, what more could I do?  I was so unhappy and felt so bad about myself. I was incredibly lonely and I was constantly second guessing everything I did.  It never occurred to me that my spiritual home, the organization that had been my anchor for my entire life  might not be the best fit for me.  So, I again asked prayerfully what to do, and the answer was clear that I should leave.  I don't really care if people believe that or not and it wasn't the answer I was looking for - I needed an answer and it came to me it had in the past- through pray.

Staying or leaving isn't easy, it isn't your business and it is deeply personal and individual.  In many ways I don't understand wanting to be part of an organization who doesn't seem to want your membership but I also get why people stay and I deeply respect their desire to change things they fundamentally disagree with and I admire the courage it takes to do that, but ultimately it isn't any of my business.

My heart breaks for both Kate Kelly and John Dehlin,they have both hung in there way past the point I ever did. Excommunication seems like such a drastic step and definitely sends the message that those less content and proactive to make change are not welcome here.

Things I Remember About My Dad

It's been 13 years since my dad died.  I remember a brief, flash lightening storm that morning, seemingly right above the house- as if he were being carried by the bright light.  He was sick and it was such a relief he was no longer in pain.
My dad and I had a difficult relationship, I am a difficult daughter, my expectations of my dad and my need to improve him make me sad to this day.  He was a character and had a lot of eclectic interests and was always learning.
Despite what he often thought he was a good dad and I have a lot of fond memories of him growing up.  I remember story telling around the fire. I still see Yellow Eyes in the trees during dark star lit nights in the winter. I remember him getting ready for meetings and buttoning his top shirt button and breathing in Old Country.  I remember him coming home to pick up mom so they could go vote and him teasing me that our votes cancelled each other out. I remember him reminding me that I'd had a crush on Ralph Nader since I was 13.  I remember him performing "I'm Am Old Woman", and wrestling with him until he must have been exhausted.  Taking off his work boots that smelled of leather and sweat.  Singing church hymns on road trips and him teaching me how to build a fire from flint and steel. I remember the Christmas he gave the Complete Works of Emily Dickinson, it is one of my most treasured possessions.
I remember the day he first met Jacob, he was mad at me, mad that I walked away from the LDS Church, mad that I wasn't married, I knew it was going to be hard for him to forgive me and to accept Jacob.  But in the instant he saw Jacob sleeping in his swing I saw his heart melt and true love begin.  I remember him calling me in Salt Lake and telling me he and mom were on their way to get Jacob for a few days.  And how Jacob wasn't fazed by riding away with Grandpa, I couldn't get out of the way fast enough.
When he was sick and bed-ridden I remember him looking at me one day while I did something at his bedside and him saying, "I'm so glad it's you".  And I can still hear singing "You are My Sunshine", and knowing it was just for me.

For Me It Comes Down To This

There is plenty of finger pointing to go around.  Failed Congress, disappointment in the fact we are using drones, a House that is beyond arrogant and a Senate that can't get anything done because they would rather see the President fail than cooperate across the aisle.  Fixing the economy would have taken/is taking far longer than four years- there is somehow this notion that four years is a magical number to fully achieve what is needed. And as for campaign promises? Whatever, broken promises are rampant on both sides.

I am willing to give President Obama four more years on the economy - the mess we got in is going to takes decades to recover from and will take bi-partisanship- that means that ideologues have to let be more interested in the greater good than they are interested in their own ideology.  We have a long, long way to go.  Conservative legislators have spent a lot of time the last couple of years trying to pass legislation that undoes progress in voter's rights, civil rights and women's rights.

For me it comes down to this: Zach Wahls- a young man raised by two mothers, who spoke powerfully about the definition of family.  Some people believe that the equality train has left the station, and the the momentum can't be stopped.  Make no mistake- progress will be slowed, hearts will be broken and there will be efforts, there are efforts to change the Constitution to put into our CONSTITUTION that marriage is between one man and one woman!  Is that who you want to support? Someone who thinks that family is so narrowly defined that more than half of us are excluded? For me it comes down to that!

It comes down to women having control of their fertility, to make decisions about when we have children, and that the right to abortion should be left to a woman and her health care provider and more importantly women need access to affordable, safe birth control. For me it comes down to that.

It comes down to supporting the Violence Against Women ACT, that we respect our sisters, mothers, wives, daughter, aunts, and grandmothers enough to protect them from violence and it should include same sex marriages too. For me it is about providing a safer place in which to grow and reach your potential.  That is good for all of us, it brightens all of our futures. For me it comes down to that.

It comes down to the right to vote. I don't remember ever missing an election day- maybe the day I found out my dad had a brain tumor- I think I drove straight to my parents house, I even voted absentee on my mission.  I remember my parents voting, dad coming home and going to vote even before he ate dinner.  We VOTE! The right to vote has been hard won for some of us, I am grateful to those who fought that fight. And we have to keep fighting, voter suppression laws are being over-turned but there are more on the way.  For me it comes down to this.

I am not willing to support someone for office who wants to deny some of the people I love most the right to marry and raise a family.  I am not willing to vote for someone who doesn't trust me enough to make my own healthcare decisions. And, I won't vote for someone who wants to rig the game.  For me it comes down to this!

Wild Ride

The next four months are going to be a wild ride.  An ugly political campaign will weary this country and divide further an already divided country.

I make no apologies for being liberal.  I believe in living in a country that values what everyone brings to the table, sometime that means that some of us bring extra because someone is struggling to put food on the table, pay the rent, afford to put gas in the car to get to work. I DO NOT believe that those people are in their circumstances because they drink beer and smoke cigarettes or that they use drugs and are lazy.

I do believe that we all start out in different places and at some point everyone of us will need to turn somewhere for help.  When I needed help my parents, none too thrilled I had just become a and unwed mother, were on the road in four hours from Idaho to Texas to rescue me from an impossible situation.  A situation that I created myself, I was in over my head and scared.  My parents cared more about my safety and of Jacob than they did that I had turned away from the way they raised me.

Not everyone has such a tightly woven safety net and sometimes even if they do unforeseen circumstances require that people ask for help. I want a country that provides a safety net, a place that sees helping others as an investment in them. Providing the kind of support that helps move them toward something better.  Some people won't ask for help, that's fine participation isn't compulsory, but don't decide who and who doesn't deserve help.  Have you walked in their shoes? Faced their choices?  Frankly I don't care why someone needs help, because if I'm ever there again I would hope that someone wouldn't stand harshly in judging why I need it.

Are you confident enough of your own hard work and righteousness that you think you might never need help, or that you haven't already benefited in ways you won't acknowledge from a safety net that protects us all?

I am so disappointed that Mitt Romney has chosen the path of least resistance in vilifying the poor.  His attacks about "welfare reform" being undone are outright lies and with little research anyone who wants to know the truth can fund it, but it is a convenient political target and we should expect more from any political candidate.  I cringe watching both side pillory  each other, it almost makes one too cynical to vote. ALMOST!

Ramblings of a mad woman, and I don't mean pissed

Okay, maybe a little pissed.  I am on a posting hiatus on facebook, mostly because I'm having a hard time figuring out how we move past where we're at and I feel like I'm just too deep in my own head to not take things so personally when people respond to what I post.

I have a hard time understanding how those in power, Christians, the rich, the straight feel so picked on these days, when in recent US history have the seats of power not been held by straight, white, rich, christian men? And, when did Christianity become about vilifying poor people?  If,  a nation, a people, whatever, are willing to hold so tightly to their interpretation of THE CONSTITUTION, why isn't there the same willingness to really follow the teaching of the Christ so many of these same people believe in?  When did religion become more of a reflection of  politics than anything else?

I understand that belief systems are deeply held and very personal so forgive me for sharing mine, here, assuming anyone will read this- and apologies to those of you who may be hurt or offended by this.

When I left the LDS church it was largely because I had a crisis of faith, I couldn't hold to the faith that if I was a good girl here in this earthly realm that I would be rewarded with children and an eternal partner on the other side, IF I was good, and faithful enough here.  I wasn't willing to wait and made a very deliberate decision to live my life another way.  I also left because I could not reconcile my personal political beliefs with the tenets in my faith in regard to women, race and sexual orientation.  My faith wasn't strong enough to carry me through the doubts, the anger and the disappointment I felt in an organization that I spent 18 months proselytizing for.  Over the years what I've learned is that I have to live my life as close to the truths I hold as possible.  I know that what I believe is just that, what I believe.  The personal irony for me is that what I do and the way I choose to live my life is deeply based in faith.  I can't really even explain exactly what I mean by that.  But what I believe to my core is that people have a right to basic needs, food, shelter, health care, and that there will always be people who will exploit opportunities.  What I don't understand is why some people think it's okay for the well heeled and those who have had every opportunity to exploit people and systems to get ahead but resent every penny used to help people have even a pittance of an existence, deserving or "otherwise".

I'm tired of the notion that if you are poor it is somehow your own fault and that if you are rich you got there through hard work, damn the destruction in your wake.

I am having another crisis of faith, faith in the goodness of my neighbors, faith in my belief that we can find common ground and figure out how to solve problems.

Don't try and make sense of it, just refer to the title of this post.

Shared Sacrifice

I've been thinking a lot about last week's markup of the farm bill in the House Agriculture Committee.  It was a painful experience for myself and the many brilliant anti-hunger advocates around the country. I ranted and raved and felt extraordinarily frustrated at the shortsightedness of committee members and the excuses that so many of them spouted off about how a $16 billion dollar cut really isn't a cut, but closing an administrative loophole. Well, tell that to the millions of people who will lose benefits, the almost 300,000 kids who will lose access to free school lunch.


Some, maybe even some reading this, say that feeding people creates dependency. In fact at least one of friends think that comparing people on food stamps to forest animals is funny.  I find this notion, not only absurd, but thoughtless and stupid, yes stupid.  But mostly heartless, who thinks it's a good idea to let kids go hungry because you don't like that a program is actually working the way it is supposed to?  I'll tell you who, House members of the Agriculture Committee and they proved it by passing a farm bill that will increase hunger and food hardship in our country. And people who would rather believe the stereo-type of people needing to ask for help than ask why people need the help in the first place.


How dare they, how dare they want to make sure their kids are fed, how dare those elderly and disabled people think they have a right to food everyday. How dare the working poor need help buying food, despite the fact that they are working.


If these cuts pass, the safety net we've created will be far more fragile and the impacted communities will feel it.  They will feel it in emergency rooms, at schools, at senior centers and food pantries.


I heard ridiculous words come out of the mouths of men and women, who have not, in recent history skipped a meal for any reason.  It is this that I find most galling-that people who do not have to water down their milk to make it last another day are taking the food off the table of old people and kids.  
Congrats guys, and I have to ask- would you let your children, your grandchildren, your mom go hungry in the name of shared sacrifice?